Scientists at UCLA claim to have solved the age old riddle of what became of our predecessors, the dinosaurs. In a ten year, $795 billion study, biologists, archaeologists and zoologists believe they have discovered the fate of the former lords of the planet. Now researchers claim to be on the brink of publishing a report incorporating their shock conclusions. Their hard work will, they claim, finally lay to rest the age old mystery.
SCIENTISTS DUB DINOSAURS BIG FAT LAZY BASTARDS.
Professor Mortimer Spunk-Money attributed the success of the project to the fact that a ton of taxpayer's cash was splurged in order to determine that the creatures from whom mankind is said to have inherited the earth were, in fact, killed off by their own stupidity, obesity and mammoth flatulence. Said one of the world's leading egg-heads.
"Scientists have been approaching this mystery from entirely the wrong angle and have over-complicated their thinking on the reasons behind the extinction of these animals. Their physical demise may be attributable to the ice age or to a big fuck off meteorite smashing into the planet,for all we care. What is important here is the bottom line and the fact is these over-sized idiots died out as a result of their own laziness, stupidity and general lack of thought and wherewithal".
DINOSAURS TOO STUPID TO SAVE THEMSELVES CLAIM
Researchers have pointed to the fact that despite being kings of all they surveyed for several millennia, it is believed that the dinosaurs must have been either too lazy or too stupid to invent anything and therefore had no means of protecting themselves against whatever mass extinction event actually befell them. Said one academic;
"Have you seen the size of the big fat bastards? They were wayyyyy bigger than us but why weren't their brains bigger and more proportionate? It is clear that they were a gormless bunch of pricks, excuse my French. They left no history, no remnants of civilizations, no even so much as a solitary clay pot. We don't even believe they had toilets".
Other nerdy types have focussed in on the excessive weight of the flop species. One researcher, who said he had been working with the UCLA project since its inception, made the claim that in the past, academics have never taken sufficient account of the unique bulk of the failed prehistoric giants.
"When you consider it, the only ones that weren't overweight were those stupid birdy type things and they all looked like twats. Practically all the others were big fat fornicators. Most of them probably started crushing each other to death during the mating process. We think that this is certainly one factor in their demise. Others of us have a theory that they they were so greedy, they scoffed everying in sight and so eventually ran out of things to eat as a result of which, they starved. If they were not capable of inventing the public lavatory, then they were hardly in a position to plant crops and bake their own bread."
RIVALS CLAIM ALTERNATIVE THEORY
The findings are bound to be controversial, with other studies of academic silliness making rival claims that it was not famine, nor even gluttony per se that saw off the former kings of the jungle as much as it was their singular inability to develop thumbs and cholesterol tests or perform heart transplants. Others attribute the disappearance to a simple unwillingness to exercise . Said one Oxford based professor
"Big fat bastards don't just drop dead in this day and age because we all know to use stair-masters and go to gyms if we want to eat too much food and be greedy fucks. Clearly the dinosaurs never figured this out or they would be alive and well and roaming the earth to this day".
BUT LUNATIC RELIGIOUS GROUP CRIES FOUL (AGAIN).
However, a spokesperson for the partially government funded "God Killed the Dinosaurs and to Say Otherwise is Blasphemy Group" slammed their fellow thinkers in Los Angeles and Oxford by claiming that God made the dinosaurs before killing them off again because they weren't very interesting and nothing ever happened in the world apart from plant eating. Said Steven Chancer (Bogus PHD);
"God has tricked all the unbelievers into thinking that dinosaurs evolved and died out from natural causes millions of years ago. He made it look that way but really, the Most High created the Dinosaurs about 70,000 years ago ... only they sat around on their big fat arses doing nothing and never had so much as even one solitary war to jazz things up a bit. That's how bloody stupid they were. So all the angels were bored to tears and persuaded God to kill the fat, useless dickheads off and start again. It took God about four days to create them and then two days to get rid of them. People who deny this are wasting everyone's time and should all be killed".
SOME DEMAND A REFERENDUM
Meanwhile, Cambridge based theorists have declared a plague on all their houses and are demanding that rival dinosaur theories be put to poll goers at next year's UK general election. There has so far been no comment from David Cameron on the bold suggestion but advisers say he is bound to feel attracted to the idea, if only for the novelty value and the confusion it would cause to opinion pollsters and voters alike. A statement from Downing Street is expected shortly.
By Mrs I Liesalot