Written by Noshing Mink
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Topics: Terrorism, Jihad

Thursday, 4 September 2014

image for English plan to fight Jihadists with stiff upper-lip and tea-pins
The Americans have rejected the use of hot beverages in the fight against terror, preferring guns instead

The British Government announced that it will not be forced into a "knee jerk" reaction by the provocations of the Jihadist terrorists who are currently sweeping through Iraq and Syria. "There will be no boots on the ground or in the air", said Eton-educated Prime Minister David Cameron. "Our plan is to use the British spirit and tea pins".

I confess that, as the only non-UK journalist at the press conference, I wasn't entirely sure what he meant by tea-pins. However, judging by the nods of approval from all around, not to mention the many cups of Brooke Bond and other variety of the classic English beverage given free to all attending reporters, I assume that a tea-pin is a special device used to hold a tea-cosy closed. A tea cosy is a sort of fabric cover which the English use to keep their tea-pots warm. And a tea-pot is something in which they brew their bags of tea.

The tea-pin, probably invented in the nineteenth century by a Scotsman, is apparently a vital component of the British plan to hold back the hundreds of British Jihadists that are now on their way home. Customs officers at the major airports will probably brandish the tiny device at anyone wearing an untidy beard, and ask him whether he recants the violent Jihadist policy. If he doesn't, a couple of British bobbies will probably march him off to a waiting cell, where he will remain for the next sixty minutes, until he has to be brought before a beak, who is a sort of English judge who gives bail to bad people and sends them on their way. If the Jihadist recants his violent beliefs, he will be given a warm handshake and a crumpet.

If he provides useful intelligence on other Jihadists, he will be given a hot crumpet who will give him a warm handshake.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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