Written by queen mudder
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Topics: Barack Obama, NATO

Wednesday, 3 September 2014

image for NATO summit latest: Obama commandeers both presidential suites at Celtic Manor golf resort
Multi-lingual hooker service, bedtime mug of cocoa and hand-warmed bathroom tissue

Newport, Wales - Lured no doubt by an impressive list of exclusive facilities the President of the United States will lord it over fellow NATO leaders this week after snaffling up the resort's best suites at the two day Welsh** summit's-gotta-give.

White House aides confirmed that the Celtic Manor's $25,000 a night presidential suites are adequately impressive, boasting high-tech features with a touch of classic Welsh wit.

It means Obama will enjoy a plethora of sophisticated extras including free lavatory paper, hot water bottle, bed socks and bedtime mug of cocoa.

Luxurious toiletries such as soap, nit lotion and bed bug spray also feature along with complimentary minibar and condoms, plus a multi-lingual in-house hooker service.

Other 'extras' being laid on for America's Commander In Chief are said to be a personalised 'substance abuse' fridge stocked with finest Welsh homegrown, a Telly Savalas-endorsed hair dryer and an 'Errol Flynn-sized' trouser press, iron and ironing board.

Also available at the touch of a button is the use of the hotel's renowned laundering, pressing and dry cleaning services, all tried and tested by the CEO of the European Bank for Deconstruction & Embezzlement last month.

Specialist gadgets on the resort website are listed as a speakerphone with voicemail service, a large writing desk with reading light, duel (sic) voltage power (US and UK), secure electronic locking in-room safe, satellite TV and in-house porn channel.

Modern aircon with personalised room controls completes the line-up along with underfloor heating/heated towel rails/toilet seats, safety deposit box (unheated!), complimentary tea/coffee tray, free phone calls to national landlines/free wifi/internet access AND 24-hour room service and an ice breaker - uh, maker! - on each floor.

The conference runs 4 and 5 September.

** verb, meaning to renege or double-cross on a deal

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