Balmoral, Scotland - A desperate royal charm offensive kicked in today countering rumors that Queen Elizabeth will snuff it this weekend 17 years after topping Princess Diana.
Reports about her kicking the bucket started at breakfast just as Balmoral Castle flunkies tweeted snaps of the aged senile mare riding in a local donkey derby.
By lunchtime the ante had been upped on official royal orders with the posting of a 30 second vid of Elizabeth superglued to the saddle of a developmentally retarded Ayrshire pit pony.
Cynics said the beast had in fact just been delivered from a local Ballater taxidermist where months of careful stuffing had created a magnificent feat.
Tonight the blogosphere was bursting with claims that the pony is a doppelgänger for a retired Metropolitan Police horse called Raisa which Rebekah Brooks, David Cameron and Kate Middleton used to enjoy in an equine melange a trois.
Raisa was famously impounded by Lord Leveson in the Hacking Inquiry after dozens of spent condoms were found in the Middleton family tackle room.
California Chrome she ain't.