RAMALLAH, WEST BANK ----- Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas has declared his intention to have all Palestinians convert to Judaism.
In a press conference on Wednesday, Abbas decried the ongoing Israeli-Palestinian conflict. "What has seventy years of war gotten us? I had to pass through three Israeli checkpoints today just to take out my trash."
"As they say in Tel Aviv, if you can't beat em', join em!"
Israel's Law of Return grants all Jews, including converts, citizenship.
Khaled Mashal, leader of the terrorist organization Hamas, praised the decision. "Hamas has never been opposed to Jews, only to the Zionist Conspiracy." He added: "Synagogues will make excellent places to store rockets."
Official Israeli responses have been more measured. A statement released by the Israeli government declared that "Israel is cautiously optimistic, but if anything goes wrong it's definitely the fault of the Palestinians."
As the news spread through the Palestinian territories, Yusuf Bishara, a Palestinian activist, began distributing kippahs and copies of the Jewish Torah to locals. Bishara was ecstatic with the news, "now that we're all Jews the occupation can finally end! Israel is liberated!"
Chief Rabbi David Lau, welcomed the news. "Who knew this would be such an easy fix?"