There was huge relief last night when it was revealed that a plane had landed safely despite FIVE seperate plots to bring it down. Flight MH 666 touched down safely in Dubai against incredible odds, and only because of some of the most inept attempts at terrorism ever witnessed.
The pilot of the plane, Captain Mohammed Benjamin -al Buttoni who has since been revealed to be a Jihadi sympathiser had plotted to crash the plane into the twin towers at Kuala Lumpur. The plan was to bring down the twin towers in a chilling echo of the September 11th attacks, but only as he approached the towers did it dawn on him that you need two planes to bring down two towers. Now blinded by indecision the deranged Captain decided he would attempt to hit both towers simultaneously, but he then managed a feat previously thought impossible as his completely full passenger jet screamed straight through the gap between the towers at 650 mph. This delighted the diners in the 185th floor restaurant who assumed the astounding fly by was part of the evenings entertainment.
With the passengers on board oblivious to the death defying stunt they had just participated in, the passenger in seat 16D was attempting his own abominable act. Darren Lambourne was a window cleaner from Ruislip. He had become radicalised after watching Aladdin on a day when he had been rained off work, and travelled to Afghanistan for terror training. After learning how to make small amounts of liquid highly explosive, Lambourne packed the bottle he thought contained his deadly mix in to his suitcase. Disasterously for the would be bomber and due to the usual last minute rush as you leave for an airport, he left his house having mistakenly picked up a bottle of his favourite aftershave instead, thwarting his heinous plan to bring down the airliner. A lucky escape for all on board then, although this was of no consequence to Lambourne's brother who later suffered catastrophic injuries whilst spraying himself with what he thought was Paco Rabanne.
Unbeknown to Lambourne, just four rows behind him sat Farooq bin Farooqin. He was a young and impressionable man from Pakistan who had been coerced into a suicide mission. Although he didn't really understand what was happening he didn't want to disappoint all the much older and hairier men who had told him to travel to London and meet a man who would fit him with some exploding shoes. With the shoes on he managed to clear customs and take his seat on the plane where his plan was to detonate his fatal footwear. It was only when the plane took off that Farooq realised that after wearing sandals all his life that he had never learned how to tie or untie the stringy bits on top of infidel shoes. This foul up has been labelled Al Qaeda's most embarrassing mission failure to date, and the group have vowed to toughen up their membership criteria so that in future all prospective members must prove that they can tie their own shoe laces.
Incredibly, yet another man on board the flight had hatched a plot to bring down the plane. Mohammed Dun Roamin had been so enraged by the BBC sitcom Citizen Khan and it's ridiculous and stereotyped depiction of his faith that he hatched his evil plan. As a cleaner in the Physics department at Luton College for Sexually Awkward Young Men he had ample opportunity to create a remote controlled explosive device. On the morning of the flight he inserted the device into his rectum and boarded the plane. An hour in to the flight he took the detonator from his jacket pocket, only to discover to his horror that he had picked up the fob key to his Toyota Prius instead. In a mad panic he undid his trousers and began trying to get his fingers inside his back passage to detonate the bomb manually. Under normal circumstances this would have aroused some suspicion, but the passenger in the next seat happened to be Dorothy Bridgewater who later reported "my husband worked in the middle East for many years and it was fairly common to see these men picking at themselves in this fashion, even at the meal table. I thought it best to ignore the grubby little man".
The passengers on board flight MH 666, the ones that weren't bungling would-be Jihadists anyway were unaware of the peril they had been in as the plane continued on it's course. Thirty thousand feet below them though, more serious and life threatening events were unfolding.
Abu Ramadan -al DingDong was a man on a mission. He ought to have had his hands full as Best Man at his nine year old sister's wedding but he had snuck away from the celebrations to commit an act most foul. Armed with a sophisticated heat seeking rocket propelled grenade that has become this years must have fashion accessory after recent events in Ukraine, he picked his spot and waited. As a plane came in to view high above, he lifted the rocket on to his shoulder and squinted towards the sky. Blissfully unaware that his inability to read the Chinese instructions for the rocket had left him pointing it backwards, he blessed his God and squeezed the trigger.
The heat seeking missile covered the quarter of a mile back to the wedding in under four seconds and slammed into the barbecue causing a blast that could be seen from the plane above it. Three hundred members of the same tribe including the Groom were killed by the blast itself or by flying shrapnel, mostly goat bones.
Such a freakish set of circumstances could probably never happen again so even though the world has breathed a collective sigh of relief, we must remain vigilant. There may come a time when jihadists are not illiterate, sexually repressed cretins that are unable to tie their shoe laces and fixated with inserting things into their bottoms.