Written by Cool Papa Bell
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Tuesday, 15 July 2014

HOFBRAUHAUS, MUNICH -- Germany continued its World Cup championship celebration Monday, as its highly intoxicated and blindly aggressive government ordered troops to invade Poland.

"After a few dozen steins of Augustiner Maximator, we got a little rowdy, things got out of hand and we may have ignited another one of those infamous military firestorms," said German Chancellor Angela Merkel, who complained of quadruple vision while sipping a glass beer boot filled with tomato juice, raw eggs and schnapps.

"A little hair of the German shepherd that bit ya."

Merkel, apparently unaware that someone had drawn a thin moustache on her with a magic marker, admitted to the international media that she may have given the orders to invade Poland as she was passing out after chugging a few too many draughts during a game of "Hallo Adolph."

"It's the old Bob Newhart show dubbed in German with 'Bob' becoming 'Adolph,' although I don't think that translation is correct," said Merkel. "So every time his wife Eva or his friends say 'Hallo Adolph,' you chug."

Merkel acknowledged there was a lot of celebratory goosestepping and monocle-wearing going on, which probably lead to some drunken flashbacks of tanks rolling into the Polish countryside.

Merkel noted that there was very little damage done in Poland since most of the tanks dispatched crashed into trees, likely because troops had consumed even more kegs than government officials.

"We sincerely apologize to the people of Poland and its leaders, who surrendered without a shot being fired and have been waving white flags for 24 hours," said Merkel. "We have pulled out of your country and hope we can resume peaceful relations just as soon as we get a lot of hot black coffee into our systems."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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