George Bush Jnr. has been kidnapped while on a fishing trip to Vancouver. A letter delivered to the editor of the Vancouver Sun stated....
"I and my warriors have kidnapped the sonofabitch on behalf of our noble ancestors. He will be released when the skull of our great warrior Geronimo is returned to us intact from that accursed cult called the Skull and Bones Society to which the creep belongs. Only when we have the skull and one hundred million dollars as compensation for the sorrow caused to us by this sin against our nation will Mr. Bush be released."
Signed, "Grand Chief Brendan Sleeping Bird". The letter was wrapped around a tomahawk and fired through the window of the editor's office.
The story was published two days ago and the Canadian parliament has since gone into an emergency debate on the matter. No resolution seems in sight unless the whereabouts of Bush Jnr. can be found; which is extremely unlikely given the fact of who actually kidnapped him.
Nor has there been an official response from the White House; but laughter was reportedly heard coming from the Oval Office. An insider has confided to us that Evelyn Rothchild has offered to lend the ransom money to the government at a mere nine percent interest, via the Federal Reserve Bank that he partly owns, "in honour of the great, working relationship we have had with the former president and his family over the years".
George Bush Snr. did however reply immediately to the Grand Chief via the Sun's editor Klaus Cutter saying that his son was "... a good Mason and will not disgrace his oaths to the Brotherhood nor will he crack under pressure". And "when the New World Order is finally established by us... and believe us we will win... the Indians will be the first to be chipped."
This got an immediate response from Sleeping Bird stating; "Your brat has been crying like a baby since we nabbed him outside a nightclub. All he keeps asking for is Bacardi and Coca Cola and a stripper called Lola. As for us being "chipped"... you might have some difficulty with that after your scalp is removed and you are suspended over a slow burning fire in a remote part of Iraq that we have selected especially for the purpose. Your charred bones will be be scattered in the desert for the birds of the air to peck at. Your forked tongue will be fed to snakes; and your skull will be hand-delivered to the artist Damien Hirst to be made into a bedside lamp for the Queen of England,... if he can get somebody to show him how to do it."
Dick Cheney meanwhile has called for a state of national emergency to be announced by Congress and demanded that Commander in Chief of the armed forces, President Barack Obama, "invade Canada forthwith!"
Cheney went on to declare to a packed floor that he had reliable evidence that "the Canadians have weapons of mass destruction there... or, at any rate, thinking of getting them."
Grand Chief Sleeping Bird last night phoned the editor to tell him, "If we don't get our skull we are keeping Bush's, even if there is nothing in it."
Nobody knows where it will all end. In the hope of her husband being found alive George's wife Laura Bush has sent the editor a green teddy bear given to her by Irish Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams and a box of thermal underwear.
A statement from Skull and Bones said simply.
"George is past his sell-by date. We are keeping Geronimo."