ST. PAUL, MN - At a Minnesota Town Hall meeting, President Obama spent the afternoon telling everyone how unfair it was for people to blame him in "phony scandals."
Although some had been led to believe there would be discussion of local issues, the "town hall" was generally about how tough it was to live in the White House. Every negative remark which criticized his leadership was a political stunt for "ginning up a base" and "not on the level."
Obama accused Republicans of "doing nothing but block me" and making up "fabricated issues" such as the IRS acting as if the laws they used to punish taxpayers were laws that only applied to other people. For the most part, members of the audience felt that Obama had moved his typical play-the-victim whine up a notch, even though his complaints were all well known and could be seen in many video clips from the past five years.
Edith Bunklowski, a salesclerk in a local video store, expressed her disappointment by noticing the two instances where someone other than Obama spoke were to say "please welcome the President of the United States, Barack Obama" and "this concludes our town hall meeting today, thank you."
Sources in the White House believe the President's mood has soured as a result of his phone calls being refused by members in various secret societies for world domination. Lately, several have noticed Obama trying to use the old "can I borrow your phone to make a call" trick, and he was overheard saying "the Illuminati better remember who I am, I'm the President, damn it!"
One journalistic liaison in the Illuminati, known as "X", believes senior members of the shadowy world-wide conspiracy to enslave humanity routinely mock Obama, but now they also send humiliating YouTube videos to his Presidential Email.
X (St. Moritz Branch Office): The problem is Obama's ego. The first time Obama met with an Illuminati representative, he was told they rigged the election to make him President. In fact, THEY have been rigging elections all over the world for centuries.... But Obama got insulted and began telling them how he was really, really smart, and really sophisticated, and a great athlete, and a super leader, and a true visionary, and that he was capable of single-handedly saving the planet. Soon after that, space aliens secretly abducted Obama, performed anal probes on him, and took pictures of themselves removing the President's brain and playing with it.
Rumor has it that the Illuminati "turned Twitter against Obama" with a photograph titled "#TeaBaggerPrez", where a Grey space alien holds Obama's brain in one hand, the top of his head in the other hand, and has its unusually large genitalia touching Obama in a very inappropriate manner. Most of the White House Press Corps agree that sending Obama this kind of photo to him with his own Blackberry would send him "totally ballistic."
No President on Earth has been subjected to as many brain-altering procedures as Obama. Most of the time, the operations were simple: mind-control chip implants at the base of the skull, Voodoo possession rituals, psychotropic drugs with hypnotic suggestion, false-memory fabrication by neural cortex stimulators, and LSD combined with CIA indoctrination techniques. However, these Secret-Society efforts to seize more power have severely degraded the President's competence and awareness of the world around him, although his ego seems unchanged (if not larger).
Gambling establishments have begun setting odds for when President Obama will "Totally Lose His Mind", and it may be sooner rather than later. Accelerated dementia and paranoid delusions may be results from the mind-control events which leave him without memory of Benghazi, the Russian "Reset" Button, over 100 IRS commissioner visits, losing a fully operational US military drone to Iran, releasing Taliban commanders on their promise to "be nice", bombing Libya, and possibly hundreds of other embarrassing "bone-head things."
Note: TheSpoof Ombudsman reports that "Paranoia" does not preclude the possibility of "people actually are out to get you."