The Vatican - A secret enclave of Catholic bishops and cardinals has added marijuana smoking to the church's menu of Holy Sacraments. The unprecedented action is expected to boost the popularity of Catholicism while replenishing the church's coffers, which have been decimated by a series of lawsuits involving pedophile priests.
"We're putting the high back into the High Mass," said Cardinal Vincent Roccoco, spokesman for the Holy See. "We're answering the question, 'What would Jesus smoke?' We're incorporating a meditative miracle into our prayers and onto our sacred scroll of sacraments."
Called the Sacrament of the Holy Toke, ritualized marijuana smoking is being incorporated into Catholicism's most important ceremony - the Mass. Parishioners will be invited to light up at appropriate times during the hour-long worship to put themselves more in focus with the ritual.
"Studies show that prayer comprehension rises 36% when marijuana is introduced," Roccoco said. "Congregational singing is 48% "less pitchy." And collection plate generosity improves 54%."
Practicing the new sacrament will be completely legal since a every church is considered to be a sanctuary onto itself, free from all governmental and political prohibitions and restrictions.
"Sacramental marijuana will replace that awful altar wine that has been destroying the stomach linings of priests and parishioners for centuries," Roccoco said. " We plan to produce the premium weed right in our church yards and farmlands and charge a modest fee to congregation members who partake."
"Because we don't have to pay off mobsters or the cops, our prices will be quite reasonable. To put it another way, the nickel bag is back, people."
The enclave's aggressive plan for marijuana use has met with some high level opposition. Pope Francis has made pronouncements against legalization of pot. But as most naysayers do, he ignored the devastating effects of marijuana prohibition, which include the rise's of gangs and organized crime. "Don't worry, I told the mobsters that they're going to go straight to hell. I'm sure they will be rethinking their lives."
"So much for infallibility," said Roccoco. "We've already sent one pope into early retirement. There's plenty of room for another."
Meanwhile, Biblical scholars are doing some major rewrites to the New Testament so that the Bible keeps up with the realities of THC-driven Catholicism.
In the "Wedding Feast of Cana," Christ not only turns water into wine, He transforms a length of rope into three dozen serviceable joints.
In the updated "Last Supper," the gang is shown sharing bong hits as the dessert cart is wheeled in.
The gifts of the three wise men were not gold, frankincense and myrrh. Rather, they brought enough grass to last into Easter.
"The Multiplication of the Loaves and Fishes" is now referred to as "The Miracle of the Munchies."