WASHINGTON DC - Secretary of State John Kerry began with great praise for President Obama's foreign policy, saying "the world has never known more peace and love than it has found with our glorious leader in the White House." As American diplomats and civilian contractors departed the large embassy complex in Baghdad, US officials were reminded that "Climate Change is the greatest threat to people around the world." An evacuation memo warned the embassy staff not to fall victim to "hasty and uninformed conclusions of flat-earth hate-mongers."
Large amounts of blame were focused on Climate Deniers, as everyone was reminded which President "won a Nobel Peace Prize." John Kerry pointed at images during a PowerPoint presentation, and raised his voice to say "Carbon - you don't need to be a scientist to know what it does."
A few journalists openly suspected that burning vehicles, ruined buildings filled with black smoke, and headless corpses were not the result of an unusual weather pattern. In video after video, masked men with machineguns and shoulder-launched rockets claimed to have killed hundreds. However, Kerry dismissed them as lacking credentials with the UN IPCC, and described them as totally unqualified to recognize deaths attributable to Climate Change.
John Kerry, US Sec. of State: Global Warming is the greatest threat to the world.... For example, if New York City was attacked with a dozen nuclear weapons, many people would see it as a problem ... but that would not make it a REAL problem. Now, if that radiation caused a 500-ft tall Plasma-breathing reptile to emerge from New York and burn city after city across the US, it could work out for the best ... as long as we replaced those cities with windmills and solar panels to stop Global Warming.
In the United States, President Obama made it clear that military force is not the solution to every problem. He immediately left DC to attend three political fund-raisers in NY, including a "Gay Rights Gala" and a $32,000 per plate dinner with Anna Wintour, fashion industry tycoon. The President had visited California and Standing Rock Sioux Tribal Nation to discuss economic development plans for tribal communities. Non-Democrat critics described Obama's behavior as strangely detached in the face of escalating violence which could become civil war throughout the region, questioning his remarks about "Jihad Junior Varsity Teams" accidentally capturing cities in Iraq.
In spite of recent events, the White House remains extremely optimistic. The US Gross National Product (GNP) dropped nearly 3 percent in the first quarter of 2014, prompting the EPA to announce "if we can eliminate this much US economic productivity every month, soon Americans will live in a Zero-Carbon Utopia - and the world will be saved."