Written by Cool Papa Bell
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Thursday, 26 June 2014

PARANOIAWOOD, NORTH KOREA -- In an intriguing bit of political retaliation from North Korea that surprisingly does not involve the launching of nuclear missiles, a top official has announced plans to produce a film starring Kim Jong-un as a fearless moralistic Bruce Lee-like version of himself who topples the United States government and kills an evil dictatorial nunchuck-wielding President Obama (played by Dennis Rodman) in a battle of hand to hand combat and wits similar to that of the Captain Kirk vs. the Gorn confrontation.

"Kim Jong-un will become a bigger international action adventure movie hero than The Rock," said Hoo Arr-yew, North Korea's Minister of Culture and Castration.

The announcement comes in response to James Franco's and Seth Rogen's Kim Jong-un assassination film, whose release would be an act of war, North Korean leaders have said.

"Stupid American 'Pineapple Express' actors should stick to smoking their marijuana and having desperation sex with Lindsay Lohan," said Hoo.

In his movie, titled "Death Comes Slowly and Painfully to the Pig in 3D," Kim Jong-un must fight his way through a gauntlet of American ninjas, portrayed by Quentin Tarantino, Lady Gaga, Bill O'Reilly, Brian Griffin, Paula Deen, David Hasselhoff, Gwyneth Paltrow as the Statue of Liberty ninja, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter Ninja and Jerry Mathers as the Beaver ninja, to get to President Obama, who has barricaded himself in the Oval Office with a vast supply of Snickers, Gatorade and loincloths in preparation for the forthcoming epic showdown.

"The international community will hail Kim Jong-un as the most powerful man in the free world," said Hoo. "He will have the respect and admiration of many of the American people who wouldn't mind having a homicidal maniac with his finger on the trigger of a nuke and one fucked up haircut as their leader."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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