HARFOLD, Vt. - Harfold State College published a study today that shows that elderly men and women have very different regrets weighing on their minds as their dying day draws near.
Of the women, 38% regret the fact that they didn't say "I love you" to more of their family members. Particularly nieces, nephews and distant cousins missed out on one of all languages' most tender messages.
On the male side, a whopping 89% stated that they wished they'd had more sex. In particular, they regretted not doing more weird shit with either their spouses or complete strangers.
Said Harfold resident Silas Thomas (89): "Hell, what I woulda done for more tail!"