Redmond, WA - Microsoft Corporation was on the defensive today after an independent software research group released its findings that Microsoft's Windows operating systems contain a hidden 'girl detector.'
The existence of the girl detector confirmed what many husbands and boyfriends already believed simply had to be true - namely, that a personal home computer or laptop "knew" when the user was a female, and as a result would subtly change the operating characteristics.
The group that released the findings is an anonymous group of computer users and hackers whose stated purpose is to generally be a pain in the ass of large computer and software companies.
The girl detector worked like this: using the computer's built-in video camera and microphone, the operating system built user profiles that attempted to determine which consistent users were adult females. Once the user was calculated to be an adult female, the system then listened for tell-tale phrases such as "Honey, how do I..", "Hey, sweetie, tell me again how to...", "What's that password again?", "Why won't this print?" and other phrases and questions that the detector was programmed to interpret as coming from a less-than-expert user. That profile was then flagged by the system and placed in the "Let's phuck with her" cache.
After that, once that user was recognized, the system subtly changed itself so that, for example, the usual steps required to print a document no longer worked, web pages would not load, or various error windows opened for seemingly inexplicable reasons. If a user was determined to be anyone who was not in the "Let's phuck with her" cache, the operating system and all applications worked as usual.
The changes could come instantaneously. If the system had made a particular function not work for the girl user, it sensed when the girl vacated the seat and a different user was attempting the operation. For the new user, the document printed immediately, the web page opened without problems, and no error windows appeared.
The news came with little surprise to a great number of men who are married or in relationships. More than one husband and boyfriend said that he'd specifically said to his wife or girlfriend, on numerous occasions, "I swear that thing can see you coming."
It turns out, he was right.