Written by El Capitaz
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Monday, 12 May 2014

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I call your bluff, Bird-Brain!

In a clear signal of his deep displeasure with Russian President Vladimir Putin, President Obama announced today the "nuclear option" of sanctions-unfriending Putin on Facebook.

"That's right, I did it" an uncharacteristically agitated president Obama told reporters in an unscheduled briefing in the Rose Garden. "I'm just tired of his bullshit, who does he think he is anyway? The leader of a superpower like me?"

An unfortunate reporter spoke before thinking, and pointed out that Putin is indeed the leader of a super power. With a gesture to his Secret Service crew, the reporter was escorted away, after which the POTUS continued his rant.

"You know, it was, it was bad enough when he protected Snowden from my hit squad…bad enough when he chose to support the legitimate ruler of Syria over our Al Qaida terrorist-freedom-fighters…bad enough when he spoiled our plans to annex the Ukraine into the European Economic Community-I mean come on, we bought and paid for that country! It's ours! But, but these, these comments he keeps making on my Facebook wall, it's unacceptable. Look at this! Last week he posted 'negotiating with Obama is like playing chess with a pigeon; he knocks over all the pieces, shits on the board, and then struts around cooing to himself like he did something special'. I'm a pigeon? I'm the pigeon? Screw that!"

The President composed himself for a second before continuing.
"So that's it. He's done. I've already unfriended him, and blocked him too! That's not all. I told Hillary, Bill, W-everybody-to do the same. So good luck getting Jeb and Chris Christie to accept your LinkedIn connection requests, Vlad-you're out!"

Experts say this new sanction may be just as impotent as everything else the President has tried in dealing with the Russian Bear, especially since immediately after the briefing, Putin sent the following Tweet; "HAAAA HAAHHHHH HA HA! Lmao! Roltfl! Checkmate, bird-brain!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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