Written by Catchthisdrift
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Topics: Satan, Hell, Starbucks, wifi

Friday, 9 May 2014

image for Satan Responds To Complaints of Poor WiFi Coverage In Hell
Damned expect faster downloads.

Responding to the growing complaints about Hell's sketchy wireless coverage, Satan issued an internal memo this week pointing out what he believes should be brutally obvious to even the most narcissistic damned - you're in Hell.

The tone of the memo bordered on forlorn. In an uncharacteristic style the memo contained several instances where Satan was practically pleading with his readers to intellectually consider their situation.

"This is not the Embassy Suites. You're not sitting in Starbucks where the manager is going to give a shit when you threaten to post on your blog about how crappy the WiFi is. You're in Hell. You failed the simple task of doing the one thing God told you you could do so you wouldn't end up here, and you get here and start complaining about the free WiFi? Stunning. Simply stunning."

In an interview held after the memo was made public, Satan did not try to cover up his frustration or veer the conversation just ever so slightly towards a different path. In fact, he further strengthened what some analysts have seen as a consistent downward spiral of his job satisfaction.

"I understand why God made all of the lakes of fire non-consuming, so the incredible pain would continue through eternity. I get that, I really do. I used to relish it. But my birthday is coming up. I never ask for anything, but this year I'm seriously thinking about asking for a consuming lake of fire. I'd like to toss some of these wankers away and be done with them."

One member of Hell's senior management said that the current 'controversy' over WiFi reminded him of the 1980s when Hell's inhabitants demanded an end to Beta-only video rental stores.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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