HEAVEN - In a move many observers described as inevitable, representatives of God, the Christian God that is, announced Tuesday the indefinite postponement of any "Second Coming" or "Ressurection" that had been promised to Christians for more than two thousand years.
"Quite simply I did not give anyone permission to write that," stormed Heaven CEO - God, "What on Earth were they thinking?"
"Redemption from sins under the second coming of the Messiah? Is everyone crazy? So, they think they can do what they want, then, right at then end just ask for forgiveness? I am sorry, but I don't work that way. I do AIDS, famine, floods, earthquakes - I give man the power to create weapons of mass destruction. Why would I suddenly forgive them at the last moment?"
God, in a rushed memo has retracted the Bible's message of a glorious new tomorrow toward which many have been striving.
"As far as I am aware, the world is set to be hit by a meterorite sometime in 2385, mankind will perish, and that will be that. I don't want millions of Christians knocking at my door trying to get in. There is no room. We are full."