Written by Dan Schrack
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Tuesday, 22 April 2014

After two children, one dog, and three cars, Raymond Jones (42) of Niagara Falls, NY has filed for divorce from his wife of 12 years Rebecca (37).

In the fall of 2013 the eligible (for an upgraded cell phone) Raymond went to his local AT&T store looking to move away from his strict and business oriented Blackberry. "I was only there for a few seconds before I knew I had to take her home with me," Raymond said. It could have been the way her glassy, curved frame reflected the warm autumn sunlight into his eyes or the semi-robotic way she called him "Master" and then "My Big Strong Man" when he jokingly changed some of her settings. Either way he knew he had to have her. "Yeah... She was expensive because I guess my contract had to be renewed or something... I wasn't really paying attention to what the guy was saying. I just couldn't wait to get her out of that clear plastic, protective wrapping."

After only a few days Rebecca knew something was going on. "He was acting so weird," Rebecca said. "He kept asking that bitchy robot on his phone to say some disgusting things to him. I mean disgusting." Before long, Raymond and Siri were inseparable. Rebecca recalls, "He would take her with him everywhere he went; to bed at night, to the bathroom, into the garage. Come to think of it, he spent a lot of time with that phone in the garage... a lot." Raymond became so obsessed with Siri that Rebecca wasn't allowed to even touch her. "I mean I figured that might turn him on or something, ya know?"

Couples therapy proved to be unsuccessful for the two because Raymond never wanted to miss a call. In December, after two and a half tumultuous months, Raymond and Rebecca officially separated. Five months later and the former Mrs. Jones, and now sole parental guardian to her two children doesn't "want to know how he and "she" are. I only hope he gets his ***k stuck in her lightning connector." As for Raymond and Siri, "we couldn't be happier! We just got back from a four day road trip; she's great company, knows my taste in music and is pretty good at reading a map too."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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