A powerful magnitude-7.2 earthquake that shook central and southern Mexico on Friday was abducted by one of the country's most dangerous drug cartels, then tortured and disemboweled, with its epicenter ending up in the swimming pool of an Acapulco area hotel.
The earthquake sent panicked people into the streets, where broken windows and debris fell. This did not sit well with crime lord Manuel "El Pie Face" Escobar, leader of the Topsy Twinkles Giggles drug cartel, said authorities.
"The gang was in the midst of a multi-million dollar cocaine sale to some U.S. business concerns when the earthquake struck," said agent Francisco "El Smarty Pants" Velasquez of the Federal Ministerial Police. "They don't like any interruptions. Obviously."
Several cartel members left the building and tracked down the earthquake, throwing it in a really, really big body bag before dumping it in their armored low rider civilian tank.
"They used a chainsaw to hack off its fault line, then cut out its epicenter," said Velasquez. "They dumped it in the pool at the Marriott."
Velasquez said it's not unusual to find floating body parts in pools, but since a dying epicenter will still usually thrash around in the water, it draws attention.
"I'm not a geologist, but the damn thing reminded me of one of those anacondas," he said.
The U.S. Geological Survey said the earthquake was centered northwest of the Pacific resort of Acapulco, where many are vacationing for the Easter holiday.
"We were lucky that a couple of drunk-ass college gringos who were taking camera videos of themselves farting and talking about getting Montezuma's revenge captured some of the kidnapping on tape," said Velasquez. "But I would just like to remind everyone -- especially those damn careless earthquakes -- please have the sense not to wander into drug cartel territory."