Israel - Tonight's Tetrad is the first of four eclipses mentioned in the Bible that warns about the time when Passover begins 'on the evening of the fourteenth day of the month' just as an apocalyptic blood-red eclipsed full moon wreaks havoc with the planet.
A cursory reading of Exodus 12 is unequivocal that the Lord shall smite the filthy unbelieving apostate usurper of the Lord's throne and that the sign by which you'll know of His coming is the eclipsed Libra full moon.
Other apocryphal texts bolster the story by pointing out that the crimson tide occultation begins just seven hours after the baleful planet Pluto turns retrograde, ending a bull run in the supernatural good luck stakes.
"The Lord is mighty pissed at the feckless Israelite dissemblers," His spokesangel said tonight.
"Wouldn't surprise me one teeny iota if some sort of Biblical fuck-up takes place on the Day of the Fifteenth, maybe an earthquake, tsunami or Obama Bad Heir Day."
Expect the unexpected as the Lord's hissyfit strikes.