Written by A Pepper
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Saturday, 12 April 2014

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Pope Francis has announced on Twitter that he will be dressing up as a rabbit this Easter Sunday. "Il Mio Papa" commented earlier today that the Catholic Church has focused too much on the resurrection of Christ at Easter.

"Easter is important for many reasons. People are free to focus on Jesus if they wish, but I'd really like to stop talking about him for once. To me, Easter has always been about the miracle of a special rabbit laying eggs for the children." A Vatican spokesman later clarified that Pope Francis misspoke. "His Excellency is aware that the Easter Bunny does not lay the eggs, but merely hides them ."

The Pope is planning a trip to the Vatican Rite Aid this evening to purchase cotton, which he intends to fashion into a rabbit tail of "sacred cuteness".

When asked why he did not delegate this task to an assistant, he commented: "I am but a humble servant of God. Who am I to delegate tasks to others?", adding "And if you want something done right, you have to [Italian expletive] do it yourself."

The Vatican has been stocking up on Easter candy for weeks, including Peeps, jelly beans, cream-filled eggs, and of course, chocolate rabbits. Most of these sweets are for the children visiting the Holy See, although one staffer assured reporters that His Excellency will have his own supply at hand, so that he doesn't go digging around in the catacombs looking for any that may have belonged to the deceased.

The Head of Security also noted that (former) Pope Benedict would not be welcome at the Vatican on Easter, as a precaution against candy being stolen from babies.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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