Vatican City - (Associated Mess): The apocalyptical Third Secret of Fatima came tantalisingly close to fulfillment yesterday with the announcement that Pope JP1 will be canonised because the prophecy's prediction that Nazis in the Curia will 'get away with murder' has come true.
Papa Luciani reigned for a mere 33 days after the Pontifical Office for Innuendos, Smears, Insults and Slander hastened him on to the Pearly Gates with a holy cocktail of humbug, vitriol and strychnine.
This final solution ticked all the right boxes after the new Pontifical incumbent threatened to reveal that poor little shepherdess girl Fatima was a Moslem whose visions included Hitler's Pope Giovanni Pacelli spawning a George Herbert Bush lookalike via the ample orifice of the late Queen Mother.
And that the doppelganger would himself sire Global Piss Process luminaries such as the Yorkshire Ripper, Gerry Adams and Princess Diana.
JP1's fast-track to sainthood is now expected to include little-known armageddon-esque predictions of his own that his successor would be the right man to completely whitewash over painful cracks in European military history that predict Queen Elizabeth's ashes will one day be returned to her very own legal next of kin in Midland, Texas c/o his own apparent widow Mrs Barbara Bush.