LONDON - Many have suspected that we were in a new Crusade, with the West imposing its values and religion on the East, and with the Holy Land as the battleground. Documents smuggled out of 10 Downing Street, and given to Dan Rather, say it's so. British Prime Minister Tony Blair along with U.S. President George W. Bush is on a mission to bring the infidels and heretics back into the fold, they say. But the battlefield isn't the Holy Land, it's Hollywood, and the crusade starts with two Hollywood notables: Tom Cruise and Madonna.
The Bush/Blair Axis see Cruise and Madonna as the key figures in rising tide of heresy - and in stemming its tide, according to Rather.
Cruise, the report contends, was the actual force behind the Democrat takeover of United States Congress. Pundits in the press, after the fact, put the mid-term election's outcome on the public's perceptions of the Iraqi War, the Bush administration's policy failures and the series of cases of Republican bribe-taking and moral turpitude.
But a full week before the voting began the Hearts and Heads report said that Hollywood, headed up by Cruise with assistance from others, including Madonna, Britney Spears and Faith Hill, had been the real reason for the Republican electoral debacle.
"The left will distract the right with various shenanigans that will keep the right-leaning from noticing there even is an election," Rather quoted the report as saying.
Cruise's suppression of anti-depressant use among likely Republican voters was also a major factor, Rather said. Many Republican voters were unable even to get out of bed on election day, post-election polls showed.
"Say what you will," a giddy Rather noted, "it worked."
The Rovian strategy to counter the Hollywood left is to begin with influential luminaries, namely Tom Cruise and Madonna.
According to the report, Karl Rove has selected a fresh-from-rehab Mel Gibson to head up the covert conversion mission. Rove, who Rather reports met regularly with Gibson during his rehabilitation from alcohol abuse and anti-Semitic language use, worked hard to get Gibson to put velvet gloves on his ham-handed fists.
The report says Gibson is to infiltrate the Cruise camp by signing a multi-movie deal with Cruise-Wagner Productions, which will begin with an action adventure movie featuring Cruise and Gibson, tentatively titled, Lethal Mission I.
In the context of filming this light-hearted but ultra-violent buddy flick Gibson will ask Cruise probing questions which will subtly undermine Cruise's Scientologic beliefs, such as thinking that departures from rational thought and holding untrue ideas ("aberrations") can result in wrongdoing.
If that doesn't work, the report says, Gibson will kill him in "an on-set accident."
Madonna, the report claims, is looming as Blair's biggest problem. With parliamentary elections on the horizon, Blair should have already seen the necessity of reining in, or co-opting, Madonna. Ever since she learned to speak with an English accent, Madonna, the report notes, has become a bellwether of British opinion in all matters political, philosophical and religious.
Political insiders, when provided by Rather with these reports, were at first confused by the use of such an unlikely candidate for such a job as Gibson, who is so well noted for his drunken anti-Jewish diatribe and grim polemic The Passion of the Christ. Sending Gibson to go after Madonna, the analysts say is yet another example of Rovian misdirection.
Gibson is to approach Madonna "for instruction in Kabbala," as he tries to "understand the Jewish people and their religion," Rather reports. During the lessons, through his probing questions, Gibson will subtly undermine Madonna's Kabbalic beliefs, such as thinking that she has been reincarnated many times.
If that doesn't work, the report says, Gibson will kill her in "an alchemy lab accident."
Rather Simple, which airs on Tuesdays at 11:30 p.m. on OLN, features investigative reports made accessible to the general television viewership. Based on the "For Dummies" how-to book series, Rather Simple, according to reporter, author, editor, managing editor and talking head Dan Rather, aims to be "so doggone simple a yeller dog could understand it." Critics say Rather has succeeded "like a huntin' hound in heat."
Copyright 2006, Douglas Salguod