Written by joseph k winter
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Wednesday, 2 April 2014

image for Baseball's umpires-in-New-York system applied to international disputes backfires and alarms The Pope
New review rules for baseball being applied to international disputes

As with current major league baseball rules for challenging controversial calls, international disputes are now monitored similarly.

An umpire from the US is joined by one from Russia, with the third appointed by The Vatican.

The three calls to a challenge are: "confirmed"; "the decision stands"; and "overturned."

For example, Russia was called "Out!" at third base while running down Arseniy "Yats" Yatsenyuk, Ukraine's interim prime minister.

"Yats" went down under a brutal Russian boot but got the call anyway.

When Russia challenged, the three umpires came up with: "The decision stands."

Russia was outraged, but so was the US because the decision was not "confirmed."

Merely saying "The decision stands" seemed an affront.

But when shortstop Victoria Nuland dropped a fly ball and pretended not to (ruled a catch), Russia challenged to get a quick "Overturned!"

Russia chortled and the US turned blue in the face, but The Vatican representative held up his hand.

He explained that although The Vatican is the smallest country in the world it is now requesting Russian T-90 tanks and US F-15E Strike Eagles.

Starting a nuclear weapons program is also likely, he said. Due to all the belligerence between the other umpires.

At this point The Pope stepped forward, very alarmed.

He said we on earth are ignoring "our house of comfort," and if we can't manage "brotherly love" at least some cases of "brotherly cool" ought to be shipped in from somewhere.

The arguing only adds to global warming, he said. Furthermore, atmospheric warming is also occurring in some surprising areas where we might not expect it.

The Pope paused then cautioned that his sources must remain "classified" for this latest information.

In the lower spheres, for example, Satan keeps to the swimming pool of one of his mansions, and his lager is delivered frozen.

Whereas in Heaven saints are complaining the AC is out and the fans only stir warm air (plus clack irritatingly).

With pain in his face, The Pope stated that all the human can do is scurry around in one of three categories:

*brandishing and implementing kalashnikovs

*running around with fists full of cash

*carrying six foot wide TV sets out of Walmart

The Pope held up one hand as though in a blessing, but right then came another challenge to the umpires.

Russia's foreign minister Sergei Lavrov either stepped on, or missed, the first base bag tended by US Secretary of State John Kerry.

The attending dust and screaming at first base left The Pope sighing and ready to retire for the evening.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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