President Obama is reported seeking a hair and wardrobe advisor, who is also versatile with speech-making.
The President is having problems with collars that flap up and won't stay down, assorted Bearnaise mustard stains, plus he has been glimpsed wearing no clothes several times between rapid wardrobe changes.
Further, a patch of hair, as tiny as satellite imagery of remnant debris from MH370 in the Indian Ocean, refuses to sit down properly in a uniform gray pattern at the southwest rear of his skull.
CNN and MSNBC pundits are seeing an analogy between the President's "hair debris" and a presidency which reversed course to stealth mode and disappeared--at least in 08 campaign terms.
Others at The New York Times and The Washington Post speak of the President as putting too much emphasis on "exceptionalist theory and speaking style."
His clothing and hair difficulties, they say, are due to his "spinning like a top."
The President's style emphasizes timbre, hesitation, dark circles around the eyes, and "the immaculate justification" (the latter two qualities modeled after President Richard Nixon).
Pundits maintain it is not the sound of the speeches mainly causing the problem, but the melancholy elephants that trundle and paw in the background.
On Mr. Obama's current overseas trip he has maintained Russia's actions in Crimea are far worse than the US invasion of Iraq and consequences there.
At this point a large elephant aboard Air Force One resembling President George W. Bush squealed and carried on with such abandon an emergency landing was considered.
The President's "immaculate justification" department aboard the airliner was shocked by this display, given that the President's view of Iraq had been marinated for many long hours in "international law."
The President's negative comparison of Crimea with Iraq then brought more noisy elephant displays for Mr. Obama in various auditoriums, ministers' chambers, and international newsrooms.
Elephant-faced observers of the progressive left pointed out current US behavior in Syria is similar to aid to the jihadis in Soviet Afghanistan in the 1980's.
Then one night aboard Air Force One amidst this controversy on the jihadis Mr. Obama had a potent dream.
He recalled being three years old listening to a presidential candidate named Barry Goldwater.
This candidate said: "Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice."
The President sat bolt upright in his bunk on Air Force One. His pajama collar wouldn't turn down and the hair in the southwest quadrant of his cranium refused to cooperate.
Right then an aide stopped by the Presidential cabin with a suggestion that a line from Secretary of State Kerry could be revived in an upcoming commentary on Egypt:
"Egypt is restoring democracy."
What happened next is classified. We do know the President's search for a clothing and hair specialist (and speech-maker) was redoubled.
Additionally, all elephants were ordered to deplane Air Force One immediately and move right along.