Pwetty-Boy Pwethident Poutine announced last night that Russia had recently undertaken plans to reassert its historical claim to the territory of Alaska.
Standing outside a theater in Moscow where the Bolshevik Ballet was rehearsing for a gala presentation of the works of Tchaikovsky, part of a planned celebration of Russia's new anti-gay legislation, the president said:
"The Alaska Purchase was negotiated at a fire sale price by a corrupt Czarist regime. It is high time to right this historic wrong."
Meanwhile, this morning in the hills above Wasilla, Alaska, a platoon of Russian paratroopers was blown to smithereenies by a hail of gunfire emanating from a group of local hockey moms who were out to enjoy the spring bear hunt.
Their spokesmilf, Sierra Paylin, put down her thirty-ought-six rifle and patted the .45-cal. handgun under her belt before telling local reporters and law-enforcement officers: "That'll teach them Russkies what happens when you mess with an Alaskan hockey mom who packs a pair of big guns!"