Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Saturday, 22 March 2014

image for The Ukraine Mandates That All Bars Be Closed Immediately
Siberia looks like this all year round.

KIEV, Ukraine - Word coming out of the Ukraine is that the government has issued a mandate that will go into effect immediately.

The Ukraine has proclaimed that as of now, all bars will be closed indefinitely.

The reason that is being given is because the government wants all of its male population to be sober in the event that their country is invaded by President Putin's Soviet army.

Kiev bar owner, Leonid Vitali, stated that he is very upset and angry with the mandate and stressed that if his bar is closed he will not have an income and he will not be able to pay for food, or for his rent, or for his wife's jewelry addiction.

The Ukrainian government has made it abundantly clear that any bar owner who violates the new law will be fined $600 [U.S.] and they'll have their liquor license suspended for 9 months.

A second time offender will be fined $7,000 [U.S.] and they'll be arrested, given a fair trial, and sentenced to 30 years of hard labor in Siberia.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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