Written by Michael Balton
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Saturday, 8 March 2014

image for Kim Jong Un joins USO tour as a standup comic
The great Korean leader proved to be an explosive entertainer.

Pyongyang, North Korea - Worried that a harsh winter has devastated the morale of his armed forces, North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un joined his nation's top performers on a USO tour of the country's military bases last month.

Before embarking on the 73-venue trip, Un miraculously transformed himself into a standup comedian, capable of delivering some of the funniest lines ever heard on the northern part of the peninsula. Here's a sampling:

- "A rabbi, a priest and a nun walk into a bar and are never heard from again."

- "What's black and white and red all over? The Constitution of the People's Republic of North Korea."

- "People keep comparing me to a certain past German leader. Makes me F├╝hrer-ous."

- "If you think I'm the next Hitler, you can go to heil."

- "I'm serious. I want to see some of those old heil Hitler salutes. Or you can face our complimentary firing squad."

- "When I say I killed out there, I really mean it."

- "Knock knock. Who's there? Never mind who I am. How is it that you can afford a door on your apartment?"

- "We're shutting down our nuclear program. Turns out I'm allergic to mushrooms."

- "North Korean cuisine is going to drive the next foodie trend. We invented the concept of small portions. Now we're experimenting with the concept of negative portions. But that's just in the concentration camp phase."

- "In fact, we're opening up a fast food chain that serves only breadsticks and water. We're going to call it either The Oliveless Garden or Prison."

- "Do you think that my haircut is a little too Stalinish? My barber thought so. But that's why we have concentration camps."

- "I tried growing a mustache like Stalin but it kept trying to occupy my nostrils."

- "They claim Joe Stalin was responsible for the demise of millions. Looks like I've got some catching up to do."

- "You've been a great audience. Now please turn in those among you who did not laugh heartily enough at my humble attempts at comedy. Those chosen will be subjected to 26 hours of dinner theater reeducation. Dinner, tax and tips are separate of course."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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