Details are emerging of the hour-long conference call between President Obama and Vladimir Putin this week. Official reports suggested Obama had urged Putin to embrace a diplomatic resolution to the crisis in Crimea, while David Cameron performed a supporting role grasping his phone in a statesman-like manner, ready to intervene when called upon.
Leaks from intelligence services on all sides have since confirmed that Putin was in fact put 'on hold' to weaken his resolve, and bombarded with gay anthems.
Initially Obama tried Culture Club's 'Do you really want to hurt me'. This proved ill-judged as Putin was heard tutting tetchily. An aide from the Whitehouse quickly intervened with a recorded message stating 'Please continue holding, your invasion is important to us', while the music selection was changed.
A spokesman later confided 'We knew we had him with 'Macho Man' by the Village People'. He would neither confirm nor deny though, that Putin was recorded humming along to 'It's Raining Men' by the Weather Girls, and 'Chain Reaction' by Diana Ross.
NSA sources expressed regret that they had been unable to support the effort with a covert video feed under their now compromised 'Optic Nerve' programme. Putin has since become a 'taper', with a sticky note over his webcam to prevent accidental broadcast of private moments. 'Imagine if we could have caught Putin singing into his hairbrush while wearing Erasure-style chaps. That would have been worth all the bombs in NATO. Now we have to rely on audio and a vivid imagination.'
The subtle plan to humiliate Putin was derailed, however, after David Cameron lustily joined in to the chorus of 'I will survive', by Gloria Gaynor, at which point Obama hung up the phone and sat with his head in his hands. 'Dammit Dave, we didn't even get to play 'Go West', by the Pet Shop Boys'.