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Thursday, 6 March 2014

image for Putin orders Russian forces into Hawaii
Do I need a towel boys

Russian president Vlad 'The Impaler' Putin has ordered his crack Spacsnatz forces to seize the island of Maui in what many fear is a desperate attempt to secure a nice holiday destination for the Putins.

Hot on the heels of the recent Crimean assault, Russian forces disguised as holiday makers flew in on last week's Aeroflot 'red eye,' disembarked and immediately claimed they were being oppressed!

Eye witness

An eye witness who asked to remain anonymous told us how 'those crazy Russians pushed passed other holiday makers to access the front of a taxi queue.' Maizie Williams went on to add; 'When the already queuing holiday makers complained the Spacsnatz soldiers revealed their true identity and claimed oppression of a local Russian community. They then formed an armed perimeter around the taxi rank!'

Duty Free

'Maui being a small island seems literally helpless against the crack Russian soldiers,' said the Maui High Chancellor Gorkon. He added; 'These cheeky Russians have been ordering free drinks, meals and cigarettes from the duty free and there's nothing we can do to stop them.'

When we asked where the Maui defence force was Chancellor Gorkon admitted the one solider they have was currently visiting his sick aunt in of all places Moscow! He admitted laughingly 'It's like a bus mans holiday!'

The Putins

And what of the Russian Prime Minister himself? Well, it appears Putin has agreed to visit the island personally after receiving a distress call from his 'oppressed' Russian comrades occupying the taxi rank.

The US government have satellite feeds showing Russian Spacsnatz soldiers commandeering a local hotel. A representative said; 'It's clear they are readying the hotel for Putins arrival with some of the soldiers even stripping down to their budgie smugglers in the heat.'

Experts have speculated that President Putin ordered the occupation after his failed attempt to buy Pontins in the UK. It's understood he wanted a 'time share' type arrangement offering 1000 rubbles to buy the failing holiday camp. His intention was to rename in PUTINs and order millions of Russians to holiday there; however, the boss of Pontins simply refused to sell for such a low price.

European, US and even North Korea ambassadors are en route to the holiday island in an effort to help broker an agreement and top up their tans.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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