VATICAN CITY - Italy's El Vino News Agency is reporting that Pope Francis in an effort to reach a type of middle ground has made a new ruling on the same-sex marriage controversy.
The pope speaking in the parking lot of a local Pompous Pizza Parlor told the assembled crowd of pizza patrons, reporters, and wine factory employees that he has been receiving lots of text messages, emails, and phone calls from concerned individuals.
He commented that although there is growing support for gay-gay and lesbian-lesbian marital unions there is still a lot of non-support and downright anger.
So he has decided to issue a Papal Directive that should make everyone happy.
He stated that effective April 1, 2014, gay couples will be allowed to marry but they must donate $1,000 to the church.
He said that the anti-gay faction will be happy because it will bring in a lot of money to the church, which is still having to pay off billions of dollars in lawsuit settlements thanks to a certain group of hormone-crazed priests.
The pope then added that since 97.3 percent of all gays and lesbians can be classified as rich, the $1,000 donation will not be a problem whatsoever.
So voila! as they say in Sardinia.