Crimea- Through a Top Secret Ops mission, U.S. Special Forces struck a blow for Ukrainian sovereignty by landing a superbly-equipped bikini unit, composed of current and past Sports Illustrated models.
It took literally no time at all for the Russian troops to be utterly distracted from their incursion into Ukraine sovereign territory. Surveying the territories displayed by the SI model unit on the Black Sea beach, all semblance of Russki military discipline evaporated. Russian soldiers dropped their Kalashnikov rifles and ran to the sand to ogle and admire the intrepid bikini invaders.
A comment by one Private Igor Borschtnik was representative, after completing an extended Siberian wolf-whistle: "Crimea, Schmaakeea, who nids dis invasion crap when dees babes er here! Show me more skinskis , Comrades!"
Stymied by this U.S. intrepid operation, Thug-in-Chief Putin attempted to counter the impact by quickly sending a troupe of female security guards from the Kremlin to reorient his Crimean squads. Unfortunately, he underestimated the discernment of the Russian male troops when it came to appreciating Capitalist beauty. Long story short-the Russian males rearmed and refocused their attention on driving out the Kremlin hags, asserting that "Dees Ugly incursion vill not stand."
The latest dispatch indicates mass desertions from the Russian army in Crimea, opting instead to be "security consultants" embedded with the Sports Illustrated international beach photo squad.