Written by Jalapenoman
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Topics: Religion, God

Tuesday, 7 November 2006

image for God Issues Apology to Many Dead Sinners
God is angry at the world for mankind's recent actions and apologized for past deaths.

In a statement jointly released by the Vatican, The Southern Baptist Convention, Temple Square in Salt Lake City, and the headquarters of most Christian denominations, God has issued a formal apology to many dead sinners killed due to his wrath in the past.

In new recorded scriptural word, God (who refers to himself as Elohim in the statement) says, "I have looked down from my children from above and am not pleased with what I see. Sin is rampant and growing in the earth."

"Having allowed entertainers to get away with acts like Shakira, Britney Spears, Madonna (the fake blonde one, not the real one) and Christina Aguilera requires me to apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah."

"Seeing the sin, godlessness, and rampant homosexuality and lewdness that is California (especially San Francisco and Hollywood) makes me wish to apologize to all of the people destroyed by the great flood of Noah."

"Hearing the cries of starving children in many parts of the world due to the greed of governments requires me to apologize to those that I caused to be born with afflictions and maladies."

"Witnessing the body art and drug use and child molestation and spousal abuse and sexual predators causes me to apologize to the young men and women I had killed by bears for simply making fun of my prophet Elisha's baldness."

"Seeing the hypocracy and inherent evil of many who kill in the name of God or religion and believe that they will get heavenly reward makes me apologize to Uzzah, who died simply for trying to catch a falling Ark of the Covenant."

"Witnessing the millions of dollars not paid to taxes or churches or true charities by many millionaires and billionaires who live lives of decadence causes me to apologize to Ananias and Sophronia, who I had killed for merely not paying enough tithing."

"I would cause a cataclysimic flood, firestorm, or other event to wipe out all of the sinners right now, but I really want to see how this season of college football works out and who plays in the BCS championship game."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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