Written by Patrick Parkinson
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Monday, 3 March 2014

image for Putin treats Yanukovych to lunch and spa day after messy break-up from Ukraine

Ousted President of the Ukraine Vitkor Yanukovych has made his first public appearance in a week today alongside Russian leader and "friend" Vladimir Putin. The two went out for cocktails at a local bar in Moscow and the Russian Premier had announced the two had also spent the weekend together at a nearby spa and hotel in an attempt to help lift Yanukovych's spirits following his sudden break up with the Ukraine last week.

"My phone rang and it was Viktor crying his eyes out. He told me about how he had split up with the Ukraine" said the leader "he wanted to spend the weekend sobbing and being left alone. But I dragged him out to a great spa and we had a cheeky weekend together where I cheered him up and he told me all about his rocky relationship with the country"

There had been warning signs visible of a breakup with Ukraine for some time, last November at an EU summit German leader Angela Merkel had innocently asked Yanukovych how Ukraine was doing? To which Yanukovych snapped and shouted "Ukraine's fine! Jesus what's with all the questions?" The French president Francois Hollande said "OMG it was super awkward, none of us expected him to raise his voice to Angela and the rest of meeting was like, totally awkward"

Meanwhile today, Yanukovych had praised Putin for his support and called him a "rock" through this tough time. He had said that whilst he didn't think things between himself and the Ukraine would end this abruptly, he had realised that their 4 year relationship was coming to an end and had even been slowly moving out his stuff from Ukraine to Russia in preparation.

Putin admitted that during the weekend trip he tried to take Yanukovych out clubbing to go dancing and to meet some new people but instead they ended up watching Romantic Comedy DVDs together under a duvet whilst eating Ben and Jerry's ice cream. Putin had said that he wasn't happy with the Ukraine's behaviour and had heard the Ukraine was now with someone new. "Whoever this new person is, they'll be no friend of mine"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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