KIEV-Reports indicate that Arseniy Yatsenyuk, the acting prime minister of the beleagured nation of Ukraine, and acting president Oleksandr Turchynov, have appealed to an unlikely source for help in their attempt to keep Russian military forces away from the military bases in Crimea-the entertainment capital of Hollywood, California, United States of America.
According to an inside source, Yatsenyuk got the idea from reading Alfred Lord Tennyson's famous poem, The Charge of the Light Brigade at Balaclava, which dealt with an infamous charge during the Crimean War in the middle of the 19th century, and thought that perhaps a movie director might be interested in making a movie based on Tennyson's poem-provided that the movie crew filmed on location, was willing to work under fire and take a few liberties with Tennyson's poem.
A copy of the appeal sent to George Lucas, known for his Star Wars franchise as well as to Steven Spielberg, known for such blockbuster movies as Jaws, E. T., Raiders of the Lost Ark and Jurassic Park, noted that at least 600 British cavalry would have to charge into a "Valley of Death" if and when the Russians attacked a key military base. "It should be noted that the Russians will not be using blanks, but live ammunition in their artillery, aircraft or other weapons. Be prepared to take casualties."
Whoever directs the movie, whether it be Spielberg or Lucas, would have to make sure that "someone blunders" before the attack, possibly in terms of weapons or tactics used. "The cavalry's not to reason why, the cavalry's not to wonder why, the cavalry's but to do and die. Into the valley of death shall go the six hundred!" noted the appeal, echoing Tennyson's famous poem.
A representative of Dreamworks, Spielberg's movie company, speaking off the record, said that while it was against studio policy to get involved in global politics, they did like the idea of making a movie based on heroics. "This would be in the tradition of Saving Private Ryan," she said. "Why not? Unfortunately, Steve or George have yet to resolve the life insurance premiums dispute with Hartford and MetLife concerning the actors and stunt people among other things."
Such disputes can't wait, noted members of the Ukrainan government. "We need Hollywood here now," noted one source inside the government. "We'll do anything it takes to get that movie and their crews fighting for our freedom. Besides, I want to be in pictures!"