WHITEWASHINGTON, DC -- President Barack Obummer is finding that his pen and his 'phone do not have the effect that he desires in matters of foreign diplomacy.
In writing, Obummer has warned Russian president Vladimir Putin, known to his former KGB colleagues as "Vlad the Impaler," not to "use military force" against the Ukraine. He has also 'phoned the Russian president with the same warning, leaving a voice message on Putin's telephone.
However, Putin merely laughed. "If you want to try to stop me," he challenged Obummer, "come meet me on the border, where I have amassed 150,000 Russian troops."
According to Putin, he is not "forcing" himself upon the Ukraine. It's citizens, he says, "want me to enter their country."
U. S. Secretary of State John Kerry disagreed. "What President Putin is doing is more like rape than anything else." It is similar, Kerry noted, to Obummer's forcing Obummercare on the American people without their consent.
Obummer warns, "There will be severe consequences if Russia invades the Ukraine." The U. S. president has already enlisted the assistance of his Hollyweird friends, hoping they can teach him to "ratchet up" his "crying game."
"I'm already fairly good at telling sob stories and crying on cue," Obummer said, "but I can't quite match someone with the acting skills of an Alec Baldwin or, for that matter, a John Boehner."
With some "aid" from Hollyweird, though, he believes he will be able to "gush" with the best of them, and, in addition to holding his breath, he can threaten Putin with whining, sobbing, and temper tantrums if the Russian president continues to threaten the Ukraine.
"That should give him pause," Obummer said.