Sochi, Black Sea - You can kiss your sorry ass goodbye, winter sports athletes from 100 countries were told this weekend, as ethnic civil unrest in nearby Crimea saw the return of the Russian troops in a pisskeeping exercise masterminded by the Kremiln.
This weekend's development in the Northern Black Sea archipelago are said to be so tense and volatile that Russian security services have closed down the Sochi site in case of bloody unrest spreading to disabled curling, as the sport is known.
It means an entire submarine command HQ lying deep within the Black Sea must divert its anti-terror surveillance program from Sochi to the nearby Crimean bloodbath developing shortly.
Commenting on the rapidly deteriorating crisis a one-armed bob sleight from Cameroon told Pravda TV, "Tough shit. Besides, who needs more bloody curling?"
The Women's Topless Freestyle Downhill race may still take place! Crimean massacre permitting.
Tonya Harding is 69.