After taking Sodium Pentathol for a minor surgical procedure and serving three masses with liberal doses of wine, Pope Benedict XVI held a press conference and admitted the Bible is "just a load of crap" and that the Vatican exists only to make money.
"That book is just a load of crap", the Pope said in reference to the Bible, "who in hell would believe a single word in it? I mean just look at the Adam and Eve stuff. If there were only two people how do you explain Negros and Spics and Chinks and Japs and Krauts and Frogs and drunken Micks and all the different kinds of people. If we were all related to Adam and Eve we'd all look pretty much alike. And that stupid story of Noah gathering up all the animals and putting them on a big boat. I laugh my ass off every time I read it".
A reporter asked him his opinion on the New Testament. The Pope replied, "Ha! Walking on water is a waste of time. Go to the YMCA and take swimming lessons for Christ's sake. Or changing water into wine. Damn, if I could do that it'd be party time! I'm sure Jesus was a heckuva nice guy though!"
Another reporter informed the Pope that he was threatening the existence of the Catholic Church. The Pope replied, "What a waste that would be, huh? The only reason the church exists at all is to make money! That's the reason we had the crusades, the inquisition, churches and the collection plates. You don't think I really have some special relationship with God do you? I just like the money and having my feet kissed. Take a look at this chair I'm sitting in. It's gotta be worth a couple hundred grand! I mean, who wouldn't love that?"
At this point in the conference a Vatican spokesperson managed to break the door down and stuff a gag in the Popes mouth.
"His Holiness is under the effects of drugs and alcohol. He will be issuing a retraction tomorrow morning", the spokesperson said.