Oligarch Alexei Salmon may become the new outright owner of Celtic and Rangers football clubs when the North Sea oil is divided up, Scotch gang leaders have announced.
His oil rigs and any football clubs will have the "protection" of razor wielding violent nut jobs, a member of Balmoral Palace announced this morning.
"The Sassenachs can keep the fish", his deputy, Robert the Bruce told our reporter, "The Spanish take it all with their illegal nets anyway. Taking the oil money will be like taking candy from a baby", he added.
"Cameron didnae see this coming. The auld fool cannae see that nobody likes the English and they especially don't like the Conservatives". William the Orange of Buckingham Palsce said, "We will take the oil rigs back straight away and hang draw and quarter everybody".