Rome - Quoting St Matthew 25:35-36 the new Pope said his sudden weight gain has indeed been of Biblical proportions after nuns from the Order of the Holy Obese Family began fattening him up a year ago to make sure he fit in his predecessor's hassocks - uh, cassocks!
"For when I was a scrawny 120-pounder, you gave me super-sized whoppers, When I was thirsty you added twenty extra spoons of sugar to my cup of tea," Francis commented this morning as archbishops prepared to measure their pontiff in the Vatican's annual guess-the-Pope's-weight competition.
Canon Law requires all newbie Popes to pass a probationer's weight gain test to gauge the level of pontifical bullshitting about leading a humble and austere life.
This morning's weigh in saw Frankie the Argie clock up at a huge 220lbs in what the Order's Mother Superior said as a slam dunk result for the nuns' delicious custard buns.
Retired Pope Joe Ratzinger is 104.