Written by Paxton Quigley
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Friday, 21 February 2014

image for Panic as Hubble Telescope Spots Incoming Borg
Nice shorts, where's your head band?

The United Nations Security Council was called into emergency session today when it was revealed that the Hubble telescope had spotted the Borg heading towards the solar system within two weeks of earth's orbit.

After the session UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon issued a brief statement on the steps of the UN building before being whisked off in a convoy of official limousines headed for NASA headquarters.

"This is a grave situation for the human race and we at the United Nations intend to do our best to defend humanity in the threat of this unwarranted attack. As you are no doubt aware this alien race marauds the galaxy with the sole purpose of assimilating planetary populations in the image of 1970s Swedish tennis hero Bjorn Borg, a dastardly fashion faux pas. Excuse me please, I've got to get to Cape Canaveral in a hurry."

British Prime Minister David Cameron later made his own emergency statement from an RAF jet in mid-Atlantic broadcast across all national radio and TV channels as well as Channel 5.

"We in Britain have faced major threats to our existence before and once again I know we will prevail. To this effect the Chancellor of the Exchequer and I are currently flying to Cape Canaveral where we will be joining with other world leaders on a long-planned flight to colonise Mars where NASA has been building a hitherto secret base. Of course, in order to perpetuate the human race we will need a good stock of fertile young women because to be frank Angela Merkel just won't do, so we will be taking with us all the contestants from Miss World and Miss Universe 2014 and George and I will have our vasectomies reversed.

"In the meantime the only advice we can give is for you to prepare for the invasion by carrying tennis racquets and wearing headbands and tiny shorts. If you can grow stubble, please do, even the females among you. Let me reiterate that we are all in this together. Bon voyage."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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