THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS - The International Court of Justice (ICJ), the principal judicial organ of the United Nations, has placed the United States on a year's probation.
The ICJ determined that the U.S. was guilty of mishandling of the world's entire savings, but realized they could not put the entire country in prison. In lieu of incarceration, the ICJ has determined the following rules for the probation: the U.S. must refrain from possession of firearms, and must remain employed, abide to a curfew, live at a directed place, obey the orders of the probation officer, and not leave the jurisdiction.
Judge Ronny Abraham from France, announced the decision at a special meeting of the U.N. General Assembly via a Skype conference call.
Judge Abraham explained, "This means the U.S. must turn in all their firearms, at home and abroad. Everyone must get a job, get off welfare, and stay employed. They must get home by 9:00 at night, and live in the U.S. proper, in their own homes, rather than elsewhere in the world. As well, they must obey the orders of the probation officer."
When asked who would serve as the probation officer, Abraham said, "We are debating whether to ask Kosovo, Taiwan, or Vatican City, as these three nations do not belong to the U.N., and therefore we feel they could be more impartial in overseeing the U.S. while probation is being served. Right now we are leaning toward Vatican City, since there are a Holy nation and have a high moral standard."
When asked to comment on the ICJ's decision, the current U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, Samantha Power, remarked, "Oh, dear. President Obama isn't going to like this."