London, UK - Priceless royal artefucts including Queen Victoria's rather splendid ivory throne - the first ever lavatory bowl to be carved from a single elephant tusk - are in line for destruction in William's latest PR scam.
So confident is JK Rowling and Tony B Liar's son of having pulled off his Prince William ID that he's planning a huge palace bonfire to destroy thousands of ancient ivory items in the Royal Collection held by the Queen.
Fortunately, news of the latest planned outrage has reached Royal Protection Racket officers who have now installed an electrified fence around royal artworks and handed electronic cattle prodders to security staff.
Also out of bounds to the faux Pretender's Pretender and his gargoyle wife will be the royal jewelry stash which Kate Middleton raided last week for an impromptu outing to a London art show.
CCTV footage around the Victoria area of London shows the daft Duchess of Cameron getting caught outside a Buckingham Palace pawn brokers attempting to hock the million dollar diamond necklace in a pre-planned police swoop.
The entire Crown Jewelry collection has now been locked down from the moron junior royals who face ankle-tagging in the even of any future thieving attempts.