PAWTUCKET, RHODE ISLAND - CEO Brian Goldner of the famous toy company, Hasbro, announced at a press conference today that their famous toy, Mr. Potato Head, has accepted the romance position vacated by Cupid. Cupid recently turned in his resignation due to a disappointing 2014 Valentine's season.
When asked by one reporter why Mr. Potato Head, who is known for being sarcastic, rude, jealous, cynical, and unfriendly, was chosen to replace Cupid, Mr. Goldner replied, "Despite his outward demeanor, Mr. Potato Head really has a heart of gold and will go to any lengths to help his friends. We think we can develop those cantankerous qualities of his in to something very positive, fulfilling, and beneficial for the world's lovers. Anyway, romance today seems less 'syrupy sweet' and "hearts and roses" than in the past. Mr. Potato Head's manner of relating may be just the ticket for the lovers living in the next thousand years."
"Speaking for Mr. Potato Head," continued Mr. Goldner, "he is, first of all, sad to see Cupid retire from his centuries long role as the love instigator. However, Mr. Potato Head is, at the same time, thrilled to be given this opportunity to spread a little love around the world."
When asked if Mr. Potato Head will keep the archery motif going that Cupid has been using for thousands of years, Mr. Goldner remarked, "Mr. Potato Head's little plastic hands don't move very well, so shooting a bow and arrow probably isn't going to work. Our company is designing a special arsenal of 'love artillery' which he will be able to utilize simply by pushing a remote control panel attached to his plastic potato body."
"We are also involving Mrs. Potato Head, Brother Spud and Sister Yam as 'romance assistants' to Mr. Potato Head," concluded Mr. Goldner, "so he will be better able to manage the huge romantic responsibilities ahead of him. Also, Cupid could fly so he could get around the world pretty quickly, while Mr. Potato Head has trouble walking. We are negotiating with Virgin Airlines to see if we can get some reduced flights for Mr. Potato Head to various major romance venues around the world."
Mr. Potato Head, whose most recent appearances have been in the three "Toy Story" movies, is currently in seclusion in Idaho Falls, Idaho, where he is in training for the new position. Sources say he has gotten a bit out of shape sitting on the couch in his multi-million dollar "spud-shaped" mansion watching T.V. for the past ten years.