The Vatican, currently under fire after a shocking U.N. report, issued a statement on their website defending their practice of sheltering priests who were known or accused pedophiles.
"We want the public to rest assured," the statement begins, "that the Catholic Church continues to operate on the basic of strict ethical and religious doctrines as approved by the Bible. It just happens that some of those doctrines involve covering up sexual abuse by priests.
"We're pretty sure Jesus would have done the same thing. He preached to child molesters, didn't He? Well, he should have. And we're pretty sure the Virgin Mary would have wanted to avoid scandal as much as possible. She wasn't the type to approve of sordid tabloid headlines.
"Look, we did our best to handle these situations. We shunted priests from one parish to another. You say Father O'Malley is touching your son inappropriately? Fine, we'll ship him off to the sticks. Someplace quiet where he won't cause a fuss. Poor towns are especially good for that sort of thing. The people have no voice there.
"What else do you want from us? Women priests? No way, that's not gonna happen.
"The Church can handle this. It's nobody's business but the Church anyway. The U.N. should stay out of God's business if they know what's good for them. These predator priests will be fine, the Church will take care of them. As for you homosexuals and women ho have abortions, you're on your own. You're still going to Hell. That doctrine isn't going to change."