Quebec, Canada - Her Majesty has written to the Canadian High Commissioner, Sir Wally Bong-Chillum, suggesting he dispense with the 'High' part of his official title because it may have set a bad sample to runaway teenage pot fiend Justin Bieber.
Sir Wally, 69, was appointed by Queen Elizabeth as an unofficial godfather to 19 year old Bieber after HM found out that cynical gold-digging bitch Kate Middleton is really the adolescent idiot's birth mother.
Worse, it also transpired that feckless Tory Prime Monster David Cameron is Bieber's actual birth father, having sired the 'Canadian' brat in a cannabis-fueled shagging frenzy with Kate Middleton, now married off to Cameron's moron brother William.
"A fat chance of HIM being a proper role model for Justin," Queen Elizabeth recently told courtiers who suggested Mr Cameron could well turn out to be an OK sort of chap; "what that young whipper-snapper needs is an upright male mentor who will steer him away from recreational drugs and stuff."
Tonight there are reports that Bieber will be 69 all Super Bowl weekend after checking in to a plush New Jersey hotel suite with three enormous-breasted young women and a kilo of weed.
Queen Elizabeth meanwhile will be pumping iron in her cryogenic capsule ahead of taking a fatal dose of arsenic just in time for the Russian Winter Olympics.
Selena Gomez is a foxy-eyed siren.