Written by queen mudder
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Monday, 27 January 2014

image for Vampires suspected as holy artefuct stolen from Vatican chapel
The Pope's nose: Vlad 'The Impaler' Putin is Karol Wojtyla's fist-born

Rome - A vile (sic) of Pope JP2's blood that vanished from the Vatican Chapel of the Immaculate Deception may have been stolen to order by the Pontiff's vampire descendants according to early forensic reports.

Police trawling through the Via Dolorosa crime scene found DNA evidence pointing to one of Karol Wojtyla's many horrid brats at the break-in.

"It's nothing more than an old tampon used to stem Wojtyla's nosebleed during a 1983 fist fight with Spanish Inquisition chief, Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger," head of the carabinieri Capt Guido Gorgonzola commented, "but it's got his Rhesus AB Positive all over it."

The artefuct was on display ahead of Pope JP2's canonization later this year and had attracted hundreds of thousands of pilgrims keen to touch base with the relic, all paying around $25 for the privilege of close-up contact.

Daft Poles, desperate to conceal their nation's wartime collaboration in the Holocaust, made sure Wojtyla's criminal records were destroyed before he became pontiff after NATO archives threatened to out the old bastard as an Auschwitz concentration camp killer.

Tonight an Interpol mugshot posted on the web shows the prime suspect behind the heist.

Expect a major rumpus at the Kremlin if cops fail to recover the stolen vile.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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