Written by Matt Brown
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Wednesday, 22 January 2014

image for The Subterranean Homesick News!
''You can beg for your next 10 lashes''

Bad news is set to hit everyone this week as large swathes of armed robbery, parliamentary fraud and not to mention the worst weather since records began are due in the UK. It is predicted to be worse than the last time absolutely nothing at all happened.

Heavy bouts of obesity accompanied by anonymous shots of pot-bellied pedestrians are due in the North-West. The South is expected to stay blissfully unaffected in the early part of the week. However Friday will bring Tax evasion, soggy complaining old biddies and an expose of how anything north of Birmingham must have somehow crawled out of the ocean, reproduced with a walrus and developed the ability to speak using a child's grammar handbook.

In other news your children are unhealthy, thick and depressed. You live in a terrible country. I am surprised you can look at this screen for more than five seconds without popping out another miscreant. Your next door neighbours are plotting to kill you and guess what don't bother trying to leave because every other country is either better than us or wants to kill you.

Are you still here? God you're so clingy. You pathetic excuse for a subterranean generopod. You smiled how bloody dare you, how can you smile with all the war and babies taking too long to be born happening. You and your kind are monsters!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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