Clearwater, FL The Church of Scientology and Sears & Roebuck have both had hard times in the last few years. Scientology has been having lots of members quit, and Sears has been having many old customers quit.
"We feel that since we are both losing customers at a fantastic rate, what if we combined our resources?" spoke a Sears spokesperson.
Starting next Thursday, all Sears employees will be required to start taking Scientology classes where they have staring contests and attempt to move ashtrays with their minds.
Scientologists will be forced to buy everything at Sears, and work there for free on weekends after they have finished their Scientology work.
Their first act will be to buy back the Sears Tower and move it to Clearwater, Florida, as part of the Super Power building.