Moscow, Russia - The nuptial ceremony has been booked for 1st January 2014 at Moscow's St Basil Fawlty Cathedral in an all-bells-and-whistles ceremony sponsored by top Russian state fracker GazProm.
Thirty year-old former Olympic rhythmic gymnast Alina Kabaeva will be tying the knot with her Viagra-engorged boyfriend Vladimir Putin, 69, in a move finally ending many years of Politburo denial about the romance.
The supple Ms K has been tipped by Russian TV station Vodka Gogglebox sources to make her bridle aisle walk in a series of signature freewheeling handstands and flexible cartwheels in an Olympic sequence that first caught the Russian President's eye on her '16th' birthday...
"Along along with that minuscule red sequined bodysuit with its secret modesty gusset", Vodka Gogglebox spokesperson Dim Eatery Stalin chuckled, "the one that made ex-Mrs Lyudmilla Putin hit her spouse straight in the prenup, where it hurts."
As a treat (sic) for the loyal Russian people the wedding will be televised coast-to-toast once the delicate subject of broadcasting royalties and TV appearance fees have been fully hammer-and-sickled out with top Russian Orthodox Patriarch Vasily Vaselinovich who will officiate at the three hour long shindig.
A honeymoon cruise around the balmy waters of the Black Sea is bound to follow.